My days are empty now. My kids went back to school yesterday. I hate to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with the demons that all too often like to visit. This is how I get into trouble. The house is too quiet. I miss those kids bad. I’m trying to look at this as “me” time, but it’s hard.
God is really dealing with me with some stuff right now. I always wake up at midnight for prayer time, but the last 2 nights, when I awoke, I had this hunger for God’s living word like never before. A thirst needing to be quenched. I visited Valley Bible Fellowship’s website to hear their head pastor, Pastor Ron Vietti, speak. The address is http://www.vbf.org He did a 2 week series about reframing life. I highly recommend you watch this. So good. Anyways, I don’t know why the Lord is firing me up, but He is.
I try to only write when I feel the Lord is leading me, so hopefully someone will watch the sermons and be forever changed as I have been.
So here I am in Arizona and loving life. God has done some amazing things throughout this process. We have found some great churches….hoping to pin down a home church soon.
My anxiety level is at an all time low and overall I feel happier. I guess we are exactly where God wants us to be. I still have my struggles though. Just as I pushed my comfort zone last week I ended up with a panic attack. Monday morning I woke up severely depressed. Not sure what caused or triggered it or if there even was one. I just couldn’t make myself do anything, not even eat. This lasted for 2 days…..yuck! This morning I woke up feeling more like myself.
And yes, it’s hot here. But there is so much to do that is indoors, plus aquatic centers everywhere.
I am excited to see why the Lord choose Arizona and what He has in store for myself and my family.
My life has just taken an unexpected turn! We just found out recently…very recently, that we are moving to Arizona! My husband got a great job. We will be leaving this morning to find a house there, we currently live in California. The house is all packed up and ready to go and the moving truck will be here next Monday! Guys, I’m freaking out! I’m so excited! This is proof that God does hear our cries and He answers. Not always in our timing or in our ways, but He answers. Arizona, in the past, was not my first choice as we discussed where we would live if we could move. But I have grown to love the idea of the place and have heard almost nothing but good things about it.
I have been so proud of myself over the last few days as I have dealt with all of this. Yes, I have had some panic attacks and I have to stop helping more then I like due to pain. Overall it’s been a success! I have complete peace about it and know, that I know, that I know that THIS is God’s plan…Amen!
So I’ve got bipolar disorder…so what! This new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia…I’m over it! Schizophrenia…hit the road! Lupus…go to Hell! Panic and anxiety.. find a new home! I’m tired of living plastered in labels. You know what? I’m perfect. Perfect in my creators eyes. Yeah I spent all day Monday crying, Tuesday depressed. But that’s okay. I’m me. I’m not pretending to be someone else. I may not be that organized or have the best memory. I may get tired easy and have to miss a lot of things. I can’t think straight, I may be in pain most days and can ramble on for hours. But that’s okay, that’s me. I am done people pleasing. But most importantly I am done stressing about trying to be perfect or hiding behind a shell.
God knew where I would be today, in this very moment. He knows I’m strong through Him. And through His grace and mercy I WIll make it. There’s no crying in baseball, right?
Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m doing. Am I moving forward or backwards. Am I breathing or is it just my imagination. I don’t know where I’m going and the road is thin. My head pounds and my feet beneath me hurt. I keep moving. Most times it’s a cycle. Feeling trapped in my own body. I get up for the day. I make it through the day and go to sleep. The pain I sometimes feel resonates through my body, always starting from my chest. A ball…..a big, black swirling ball, or so I imagine. It thrusts around in my chest. I can feel the anxiety start to birth. The physical and emotional pain begins to swell. ” Is this real,” I ask myself. It always is. As a child I would pound my chest my fists to try to dull the anxiety and pain. This usually worked. Again, I didn’t know what or why I was doing it. I just wan’t it all to go away. Now I’m covered in labels. Sometimes not knowing can be freeing…knowledge isn’t always power. The pain I feel and then the pain I want to inflict to make the other pain go away has no schedule. It doesn’t care if I’m happy or sad, ready or not.
Other days I can be in a store or getting gas or you name it and the panic swoops in. First I begin to shake. Then the sweat begins to pour from every pore on my body…even my hair gets wet. Again, is this real? The road appears really thin now. My throat shuts off and my breathing becomes labored. My vision blurred and I have to go to the bathroom. Am I dying? Nope, just a panic attack.
And so as I try to make sense of it all and mulling through my days, I continue to fight the good fight.
It has been 1 year since I have caused self harm. I believe God has freed me from it. Not to say I don’t want to at times, but I just remind myself that my body is a living temple of God, filled with His spirit.
Last night I was blessed in attending a mood disorder group at our church called Fresh Hope. I usually don’t go out after 5 or 6 due to meds and the drowsiness it causes. Last night I fight compelled to attend with my husband. This group is for those who are mentally ill and their loved ones. So we dropped the kids off at children’s church and went. It was amazing! I am going through my study guides this morning as I was pretty medicated last night and wow! The Lord really spoke to me. I made new friends and now have something to look forward to weekly. We need more of this in the church.
God is good! He has provided me with an outlet to learn and grow in Him through my mental illness.
There were days that I thought I might stop breathing, but You were with me.
There were nights when I couldn’t stop crying, but You were with me.
There were times when I felt the anxiety was going to overcome me, but You were with me.
There were times when I thought my body would give up, but You were with me….always..with me.
You’ve been with me since my first breath. You have set and ordained a plan and a future, a hope and a promise. Your goodness transcends my very thoughts.
I know it is well. All is well, because you said so.
And He said to me, ” My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 3:6
Someone needs to hear this tonight.