Life hasn’t been easy as of late. I’ve been in a lot of pain. And struggling with the bipolar as well. I’ve had quite a few down days and days where my mind just doesn’t feel like my own. I feel possessed by the illness on days like that. I do a lot of praying. LoL! Now this is new. I’ve started to get claustrophobic in the shower EVERY time I get in. The upside is, this makes for quick showers. It used to be just elevators.Not anymore. Even the car can get me, I have to have my music playing.
Right now I’m on 30 mg of morphine and I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. It has been on and off today…the pain. Sharp shooting, stabbing, and even a dull ache. Mostly in my legs and feet. Restlessness of my arms and legs when I do lay down.
I still refuse to let it all get me down…..completely. Yeah, it’s hard. Really hard. But the Lord didn’t say it was going to be easy. This is WAR! War on my body. War on my mind. But that’s okay. I’m up for a fight.
My little Lily dog is doing well. She is so smart! And sassy! I just love her to pieces.
Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m doing. Am I moving forward or backwards. Am I breathing or is it just my imagination. I don’t know where I’m going and the road is thin. My head pounds and my feet beneath me hurt. I keep moving. Most times it’s a cycle. Feeling trapped in my own body. I get up for the day. I make it through the day and go to sleep. The pain I sometimes feel resonates through my body, always starting from my chest. A ball…..a big, black swirling ball, or so I imagine. It thrusts around in my chest. I can feel the anxiety start to birth. The physical and emotional pain begins to swell. ” Is this real,” I ask myself. It always is. As a child I would pound my chest my fists to try to dull the anxiety and pain. This usually worked. Again, I didn’t know what or why I was doing it. I just wan’t it all to go away. Now I’m covered in labels. Sometimes not knowing can be freeing…knowledge isn’t always power. The pain I feel and then the pain I want to inflict to make the other pain go away has no schedule. It doesn’t care if I’m happy or sad, ready or not.
Other days I can be in a store or getting gas or you name it and the panic swoops in. First I begin to shake. Then the sweat begins to pour from every pore on my body…even my hair gets wet. Again, is this real? The road appears really thin now. My throat shuts off and my breathing becomes labored. My vision blurred and I have to go to the bathroom. Am I dying? Nope, just a panic attack.
And so as I try to make sense of it all and mulling through my days, I continue to fight the good fight.
It has been 1 year since I have caused self harm. I believe God has freed me from it. Not to say I don’t want to at times, but I just remind myself that my body is a living temple of God, filled with His spirit.