Just got over 1 week of mania. About a week or so ago it all started. I had gone 4 days on 12 hours of sleep. yuck. Then I crashed……or so I thought. Got 1 night of sleep then back to mania. Eventually it all ended. I was depressed now. But God is faithful and just like every other time, He brought me through it. I am so in love with Him.
I saw my new psychiatrist for the first time since being here in Arizona. I liked her a lot. She was very educated and a good listener. I got a genetic test done, which I think is incredible and wonder why none of my other doctors ever had me do it. She is also doing away with several of my meds. I couldn’t be happier! Of course this will take time, as you can only wean off of 1 at a time. First up Abilify. Down 5 mg a week till I’m off. Friends I am on about 9 meds right now. Many of them, as the doctor pointed out, are duplicates for the same thing. I also lost 10 pounds! WooHoo!
I am adjusting to being home alone. Sleeping a lot. Guess I need it. Eventually I want to get on a good schedule where I am being proactive most of the day.
Oh Lord, when I was in the depths of darkness, you rescued me.
My days are empty now. My kids went back to school yesterday. I hate to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with the demons that all too often like to visit. This is how I get into trouble. The house is too quiet. I miss those kids bad. I’m trying to look at this as “me” time, but it’s hard.
God is really dealing with me with some stuff right now. I always wake up at midnight for prayer time, but the last 2 nights, when I awoke, I had this hunger for God’s living word like never before. A thirst needing to be quenched. I visited Valley Bible Fellowship’s website to hear their head pastor, Pastor Ron Vietti, speak. The address is http://www.vbf.org He did a 2 week series about reframing life. I highly recommend you watch this. So good. Anyways, I don’t know why the Lord is firing me up, but He is.
I try to only write when I feel the Lord is leading me, so hopefully someone will watch the sermons and be forever changed as I have been.
So here I am in Arizona and loving life. God has done some amazing things throughout this process. We have found some great churches….hoping to pin down a home church soon.
My anxiety level is at an all time low and overall I feel happier. I guess we are exactly where God wants us to be. I still have my struggles though. Just as I pushed my comfort zone last week I ended up with a panic attack. Monday morning I woke up severely depressed. Not sure what caused or triggered it or if there even was one. I just couldn’t make myself do anything, not even eat. This lasted for 2 days…..yuck! This morning I woke up feeling more like myself.
And yes, it’s hot here. But there is so much to do that is indoors, plus aquatic centers everywhere.
I am excited to see why the Lord choose Arizona and what He has in store for myself and my family.
My life has just taken an unexpected turn! We just found out recently…very recently, that we are moving to Arizona! My husband got a great job. We will be leaving this morning to find a house there, we currently live in California. The house is all packed up and ready to go and the moving truck will be here next Monday! Guys, I’m freaking out! I’m so excited! This is proof that God does hear our cries and He answers. Not always in our timing or in our ways, but He answers. Arizona, in the past, was not my first choice as we discussed where we would live if we could move. But I have grown to love the idea of the place and have heard almost nothing but good things about it.
I have been so proud of myself over the last few days as I have dealt with all of this. Yes, I have had some panic attacks and I have to stop helping more then I like due to pain. Overall it’s been a success! I have complete peace about it and know, that I know, that I know that THIS is God’s plan…Amen!
I was reminded today to be thankful for Everything. As little or big as they are. Thankfulness must be pure in nature. Especially as you lift up your voice to the Lord God Almighty. My family has been through a trying few months. Everyday I thank God for giving me another day, but rarely do I take the time to thank Him for the breeze, or the birds, or the home I live in. Seeing everything with a heart of gratitude when you have no money or wonder how your going to pay the bills is a game changer. So much beauty and you realize everything will be okay. Look at how He cares for the birds. Feeding them and giving them shelter, He loves us SO much more.
I almost went deaf in my right ear last week. I had an inner and and outer infection that had eaten a hole right through my eardrum. After 2 weeks of treatment and becoming literally sick from the infection, today I can hear. The bipolar has reared it’s ugly head a hand full of times this past month. Really been battling with anger, mania, and insomnia. The fibromyalgia and lupus have been fair. I started a new pain med, which is actually taking the edge off.
I was reminded today to also live in the moment with God. Jesus, I’m thankful for the music as I listen to your worship right now. I’m thankful for the sound of my husbands cpap mask that I can hear right now. I’m thankful for the storm that’s coming in and the breeze that’s filling my bedroom right now.
He is good, He is holy, He is worthy.
Some days we just have to become weak and give it to God. It’s through our weakness that He is strong. He is a God that gives and takes away. I’m thankful for that. I have so much for Him to take away. To rid me of my sins. To cleanse me. In Him, I want to live and move. Tomorrow, I will embark on a new view of myself. A view that isn’t so hard. I will battle demons that have had me for years. I will become weak. I will not battle alone though, God will uphold me with His mighty right hand. I feel a sense of peace right now. Maybe the calm before the storm? I don’t know. I do know that I will arise victorious in Him.
We all have our sins. Our dark secrets. Do you delight yourself in pornography? Do you do illicit drugs? Is it that woman/man at work away from your spouse? Is it binge eating? Maybe you try so hard to keep a perfect lifestyle that your relationships are suffering. You think God doesn’t see through your bullshit? Eh..Wrong! He totally does! And the more you try to hide the further in grasp you are of the enemy. Let’s be real, you can’t hide from God.
Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” Mark 9:23
I think this passage is really important. He doesn’t force us to believe. Jesus says quite plainly, “If you can.” He doesn’t say you must, he just states the facts. I believe I can and will be a winner in my life’s challenges and defeating my sins, because I choose to believe. Next Jesus says, ” All things.” How cool is that?! All things! Anything! So basically if you choose to believe, all of those nagging bad habits, addictions, and just down right sin that you want gone , can be deleted from your life. Ask for forgiveness, and be very blunt, He knows anyways. Bam! Those chains are gone, because He said so. Overcoming the demons in your life are just like anything else The chains will be gone, but you will still battle temptations. That’s where you become weak and allow Him to be strong and fight your battle with you.
One last thing. The Lord says “As far as the east is from the west, so far as He removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103:12
Remember this passage. Once you have asked for forgiveness, it’s done, erased from His memory. Caste away. It’s us that remembers our sin. It’s us that ALLOWS satan to come in and make us feel bad about our past mistakes. Trust me, NOTHING you do or have done is unforgivable. He is merciful.
This rapid cycling and mixed states is awful!
Last week my husband and I got into a little spat. I felt emotionally unstable. Upset, crying, throwing up, confused. So I plotted my move. The next morning after everyone left , I escaped reality. I was in a mixed state in the bipolar. I packed my bags and drove the 1 1/2 hours to the beach. I don’t know how I got there. I don’t remember driving there, but praise be to God for getting me there safely. I felt unwanted and tired. You guys need to understand what a big deal this is. I have trouble sometimes driving across town because of anxiety and panic. But to drive that far….I don’t even know what to say. I called my husband upon arrival and we worked everything out. I stayed the night in Morro Bay. I still am not entirely sure what caused my escape. But I know it can’t happen again. Once I got home the next day, I was swarmed with new feelings. Feelings of guilt and condemnation. I felt unworthy of my husbands love. I messed up big time. I know that I don’t serve a God of guilt or condemnation. I know that this was just the enemy whispering lies into my ears. Being bipolar and a Christian can be tough. I mean, I know what God wants for me. But my brain is telling me all the good stuff, like what a piece of shit I am and how I am completely unworthy of anyones love. It’s a lie, Rachel! I know it is! Again though, my mind argues with its self.
I was thinking the other day, about how God knew I was going to do that. And how He has set a path before each one of us to follow. We can choose to be obedient and follow the path on the right, or do our own thing and follow the path on the left. When we follow the path on the right and mess up, God goes to plan “B”. I know, like I said, I messed up. But all things work out when we are obedient.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28