Sweetlife18


I am flooded in my mind and in my heart with words, sentences, and phrases. My God has once again “done it”.

It has been almost 2 months since my life was changed…..again. I have not felt led to share on this topic until now. When I saw my pdoc around the 4th of December I couldn’t even drive. Things had gotten so bad with the bipolar schizoaffective that I was being visited by some of the old demons. The lupus and fibromyalgia also thought this was a good time to hit me full force. I had ticks back and nothing was “right”. If I felt as though the seam of my shirt was crooked it put me in tears. A constant moving and tugging was how I was living. I was like a roller coaster, anger that would cause me to do terrible things, sadness where crying never seemed enough. My daughters and husband would help bathe me at night, even applying lotion to my hurting body. My daughters would lovingly brush my hair. I would ask Matt why this was  happening to me. Why me! My young life had already been riddled by what I thought of as every thing that could possibly go wrong. As I have told you so many times in previous posts that My God was still there, at this time I found myself feeling more confused than ever. More lost than ever. This time around I could not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Although I believed that My God was indeed with me, I just didn’t see how He was going to pull this one off. I have been waiting, hoping for that very moment where God would heal me of EVERYTHING! Jehovah Rapha, The God That Heals. I would read His living Word sprinkled with promises of healing and almost felt taunted. The enemy of my faith whispering his lies, telling me My God’s healing was for other people……not for me. Up until the 4th of December I felt useless, broken down and turned upside down, but not defeated. I still hung on to that little bit of hope. The very promises that the Lord had spoken to me were chiseled onto my heart.

That day of my doctor visit I left with a new prescription along with more changes to my current meds. That night as I prayed over my new medication (something I always do with new ones) I had no idea what was up God’s sleeve. Within 2 weeks of starting the new med., the ticks had left me. I felt some kind of normalcy that I hadn’t experienced in almost 10 years and really longer then that if I reflect on my childhood up to my early twenties.

January 4th I saw my pdoc again. By this time my doctor pretty much had me pinned. His goal being as few medications but just enough of the right ones. I left this time with another new med to address the insomnia that I had been battling with since I got married in 2002. As I held this new med. in my hand with the rest of my pill cocktail, I prayed as usual over it. The next morning Matt made a comment that I had slept peacefully, no yelling, kicking, punching, or scratching that night.

It is now the 24th of January and to say my life has changed is a severe understatement. Miracles have occurred. Peace now fills my heart. Joy has been restored. Every day after January 4th I had waiting for the fluke of “the good feeling” to go away. A phase, a passing fancy so to speak. And everyday I am in awe of this now permanent place that the Lord has brought me to. A place I have never been to, a place just for me. A custom made, unique life that has changed so much over the years. Trials, pain, sorrow, depression, the highs and lows are now no longer holding my hand but crawl behind me. Trying to keep up with a Rachel that it thought it knew, but now that Rachel is running. Running freely in her life and in her walk with the Almighty God. I serve a God of promises kept. I have not only excepted but embraced this new miracle that is my life. I am doing things I never thought I would do or be able to do. I am realistic that being human I may still have episodes here and there and challenges with my mind and body. However these things are NOT the ruler of my  heart. They no longer dictate what I can or can’t do. I still have to take care of myself and take precautions as my medication affects me.

Today I attended my first ever ladies bible study. I not only made it there but I made it through! I was blessed beyond words just to be there. Blessed to fellowship with the 7 other gals at my table. As we discussed a topic of ” The Great I  Am” showing up in your life I was almost at a loss for words. Awe struck how God “did it again”! Wow! What a topic for discussion. As I tried to express to my group how much and how many times God has showed up for me, I realized I could not give enough examples nor could I stress enough how this never changing God has changed me so much. What He has brought me to. How he has kept me alive when I thought I was going to die.

Today God showed up and brought me Joy both tangibly and spiritually.

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2018…..The Year of Battles Won


It is 1:00 a.m. on New Years morning. While the rest of my household is sleeping, I am awake still pondering in my heart the things of God.

2017 was a year of challenges and triumphs, promises made and promises broken. Many tears were shed. Tears of joy and tears of sorrow and brokenness. Lots of laughter, hugs, and kisses. 2017 ushered in many changes for myself and my family. We packed up and made our 3rd out of state move to Arizona. I have had to find new doctors and have been through many changes in medication and treatment. As we have been through so much this year, God has taught us to rely more on Him and to lean more on each other. He has brought my family together like never before. He has brought us closer to each other. I have watched in awe how God has grown and changed my children for His glory, plans, and purposes.

Some of the most life altering moments for myself have happened in the last couple months. God has brought people in and out of my world for life changing reasons. As I have become stronger mentally and physically, I am able to see more clearly His calling for my life. He has planted seeds in my heart. Some of which I have already been able to see grow. As I begin to see clearly for the first time in my life some of His plans for me, I find myself constantly second guessing myself and feeling unworthy for the cause of Jesus Christ. As He gently reassures me and whispers to my heart, I get up again to take up my cross. I feel as though I have been sleeping for so long and I am now waking up. Waking up to be that salt and light to those around me and to those God has purposely set in my path. He has called me to live a purpose driven life. A life foreign and unknown to me. A life that I have never lived or known before. He has filled my heart with a longing and desire that makes me feel as though I am on fire. A hunger and thirst for Him like never before.

Some days the pain in my body seems unbearable. Some days I am in constant war with my own mind and thoughts, trying to desperately gain some control. Some days I am so tired from medication and lack of sleep, that I don’t think I’ll make through the day. But throughout all of this I can hear Him gently whispering to me, Rachel….keep fighting. Fighting for myself and fighting for my family. Daily laying down my burdens at the cross.

While so much of the world is sleeping in their hopelessness, bondage, and fear, I will remain awake with wonder, hope, and a future. Ready and listening to be obedient to His word.

What He has instilled in the very depths of my soul will be a game changer for 2018.

Happy New Year.

There


I feel strong today. My mind feels strong, my body feels strong, but most importantly, my soul feels strong. I have been doing well, friends. The fibromyalgia is giving me more trouble than anything. It’s been super hot here and I don’t think my body likes it. I also had to get off my original fibro/lupus med because my new insurance was being not nice and left me with over $400 to pay for it. So I started something else which is not nearly as effective….bummer.

I’m starting to really miss church again. I watch sermons online and have my own time with the Lord most Sundays while the rest of the clan is at church. I just miss being there. You know “there.” Where He meets you, I know He will meet you wherever you are, but there is something heavy, worshipers united, Holy Spirit falling, being “there” in the midst of it all. I just can’t sit through it. I try and every time I have to leave. This doesn’t just happen with church. I can’t go to movies or even watch t.v. Sometimes I can read a book, but it has to captivate me from the beginning, no slow starters. And even then I can only read a few pages at a time. And so as it goes, when I do go to church I have to take my own car so I can come home early….bummer. I think I will try tomorrow. I can always make it through praise and worship and if I have to leave after that oh well.

Oh, how I love my Jesus. I love how He works from the inside out. I am so in love with Him and how He meets my every need. I adore Him and how His love has ravished my heart. How He is transforming and renewing my mind.

A Season of Change


My life has just taken an unexpected turn! We just found out recently…very recently, that we are moving to Arizona! My husband got a great job. We will be leaving this morning to find a house there, we currently live in California. The house is all packed up and ready to go and the moving truck will be here next Monday! Guys, I’m freaking out! I’m so excited! This is proof that God does hear our cries and He answers. Not always in our timing or in our ways, but He answers. Arizona, in the past, was not my first choice as we discussed where we would live if we could move. But I have grown to love the idea of the place and have heard almost nothing but good things about it.

I have been so proud of myself over the last few days as I have dealt with all of this. Yes, I have had some panic attacks and I have to stop helping more then I like due to pain. Overall it’s been a success! I have complete peace about it and know, that I know, that I know that THIS is God’s plan…Amen!

Everything


I was reminded today to be thankful for Everything. As little or big as they are. Thankfulness must be pure in nature. Especially as you lift up your voice to the Lord God Almighty. My family has been through a trying few months. Everyday I thank God for giving me another day, but rarely do I take the time to thank Him for the breeze, or the birds, or the home I live in. Seeing everything with a heart of gratitude when you have no money or wonder how your going to pay the bills is a game changer. So much beauty and you realize everything will be okay. Look at how He cares for the birds. Feeding them and giving them shelter, He loves us SO much more.

I almost went deaf in my right ear last week. I had an inner and and outer infection that had eaten a hole right through my eardrum. After 2 weeks of treatment and becoming literally sick from the infection, today I can hear. The bipolar has reared it’s ugly head a hand full of times this past month. Really been battling with anger, mania, and insomnia. The fibromyalgia and lupus have been fair. I started a new pain med, which is actually taking the edge off.

I was reminded today to also live in the moment with God. Jesus, I’m thankful for the music as I listen to your worship right now. I’m thankful for the sound of my husbands cpap mask that I can hear right now. I’m thankful for the storm that’s coming in and the breeze that’s filling my bedroom right now.

He is good, He is holy, He is worthy.

War


Life hasn’t been easy as of late. I’ve been in a lot of pain. And struggling with the bipolar as well. I’ve had quite a few down days and days where my mind just doesn’t feel like my own. I feel possessed by the illness on days like that. I do a lot of praying. LoL! Now this is new. I’ve started to get claustrophobic in the shower EVERY time I get in. The upside is, this makes for quick showers. It used to be just elevators.Not anymore. Even the car can get me, I have to have my music playing.

Right now I’m on 30 mg of morphine and I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. It has been on and off today…the pain. Sharp shooting, stabbing, and even a dull ache. Mostly in my legs and feet. Restlessness of my arms and legs when I do lay down.

I still refuse to let it all get me down…..completely. Yeah, it’s hard. Really hard. But the Lord didn’t say it was going to be easy. This is WAR! War on my body. War on my mind. But that’s okay. I’m up for a fight.

My little Lily dog is doing well. She is so smart! And sassy! I just love her to pieces.

Carpe Diem


The holidays were tough. I had incredible anxiety. So much so that it was waking me up at night. I went through a Fibro. flare up that lasted a good 2 weeks. I was unable to attend Christmas Eve dinner with my husband’s side of the family due to anxiety and pain. Christmas day was a little easier. We stayed home and had my aunt and grandparents over. Even that put be back to bed as soon as everyone left.

This has been tough on me. I want to seize the day. So every morning I get up early and spend some time with my Lord. I than plan my day and NOT according on how I feel. I try to seize the day! Most days failing terribly, but trying none the less. I get frustrated sometimes by how much time I waste puttering around the house or in bed. But some days the pain is so great I can’t do much else.

I guess I have had Fibromyalgia this whole time. The doctor just didn’t tell me. I was wondering why they would tell me that the Lupus was not reading real high in blood tests, but I would be in crippling pain. It wasn’t until this last visit that the doctor was gone and I saw the PA. She wrote on my checkout/lab slip Fibromyalgia and Myofascial pain syndrome. I saw that and was taken aback but didn’t say anything. I got home and called them, asking what my diagnosis was. After they rattled off all 3, I questioned it, Is it possible to have all 3 ( Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain)? They said it was. And so here I am.

My hope is in Christ and I will continue to seize the day.