Life Goals


 

I recently read an article by this woman who said she would rather have liver failure from all of the medication than to deal with life off medication. I can see the pain in her writing and ultimately making that choice. My time will come, at one point or another for me to decide as well.

Do I keep going or do I start experimenting with alternative, holistic methods? I am aware and have researched enough possibilities to say it’s worth a try. However, this would potentially put my family and myself on a different kind of roller coaster. Trying different things and to go off the beaten path is scary. Just the thought of the lengthy process it would be to wean me off of all my meds. makes me want to back down from the idea entirely. I have been on a pretty steady amount of medication for about 10 years. I don’t even know who this Rachel person is off meds. Who am I really and truly when I am off medication? I don’t even remember. I do know I would want to give this whole crazy idea of being off medication over dying way to early from a failing liver. Now the question is ……when? I know there will never be a good time to do this. I know things will be hell as I transition to a new life off drugs, but what if I fail? I will literally be starting a new medication routine all over again. Yet again, Is it worth the chance? I see no other option. Also this TMS thing I mentioned in a previous post is still on the playing table. We are just waiting on the super slow insurance company. I will let you know, if approved, how that all pans out. Now, don’t hold your breath to see how things will work out for me. I am not looking at doing this anytime soon. Except the TMS. If that bad boy gets approved I’m all in! As for ditching the drugs, I would rather not be the guinea pig! Surly someone has done this! I must find them. Inquiring minds want to know! So right now I will continue to be a good girl and take medication as prescribed and I will still make it to all those doctor appointments every month.

 If I ever get anything out of this whole bipolar/schizo/lupus/fibromyalgia thing it would be that I think at this point I can say that I can relate to a lot of people. I understand and I know the pain they physically and mentally feel. I’m in this place in my life right now where I want to allow God to reach through me to touch so many people like me. To tell them their lives are worth something and they are loved.

Of course there is perfect timing for everything and as much as I want to get out there and implement all of these things, I am still dealing with my own can of worms. Even if I can’t go all out, He has made it clear to me, a little bit here and a little bit there. I am still struggling with the constant thought of me just being stuck in this body where Rachel resides somewhere. I say yes to Him and to have His way in my life. My life as it is right now. Lord, I want you to teach me how to set aside how I feel and how I think to bring glory to your kingdom to the best of my capabilities. To love on the broken when the opportunity arises. I want Him to use me as a vessel at anytime He sees fit. To minister to the weary and heavy laden. I do believe one day I will be able to do more of things that God has planned for me in His timing. My hope is to share His powerful, redeeming love to anybody who needs it and will listen. Especially those with mental disorders and/or chronic pain. I can and will thank the Lord every morning for another day to be alive. I will continue to ask Him to give my doctors wisdom and understanding to my specific needs and for the Holy Spirit to speak to me when it’s time to cut the drug cord. I will put my trust in Him. I will keep my head held high. He has whispered to me in His reassuring voice to not be so hard on myself for feeling guilty for not doing enough. I am right where He wants me to be. He has spoken to my heart and ministered to my soul that sometimes simply being alive is enough s and sometimes that’s all He asks of us. 

Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.                        1 John 4:11 NIV 

 

Jesus appointed me

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Being Reborn


As I have dealing with my birthday that was a couple of weeks ago, there have been  a lot of feelings that I couldn’t pin down. As I began to analyze and dissect my thought and feelings, I started to see just how much the bipolar, schizophrenia, panic, anxiety, lupus and fibromyalgia were keeping me a prisoner. I was allowing fear to literally cripple me. I didn’t know who I was anymore. The enemy of my faith was literally killing me.

I was a stay at home mom from the beginning 14 years ago. I had plans of returning to work or doing volunteer work once my 3 children were all in school full time. Right after my youngest child was born 10 years ago I was diagnosed with the mental disorders. My plans started to crumble. My dreams crumbled. I tried to take care of a baby and 2 other children, all 2 years apart, and at the same time trying to manage a mind that was not my own. The physical diseases came in to play about 3 years ago. Fast forward to the now. I am still at home ALL. DAY. LONG. By myself for a good 7 hours, 5 or more days a week. I rarely leave the house and being that we moved out of state to Arizona last May, I don’t know anybody. I feel isolated and alone. When I do venture out it is mostly for doctor appointments. I get my hair cut every 6 weeks and grocery shop with my husband on Friday nights. I can’t sit  through movies in a theater or at home without having to get up and leave because the anxiety and nervousness get to me. I have seen maybe 1 or 2 movies that I can think of over the last 5 or 6 years. I can’t even begin to watch anything unless it’s comedies or romance because everything else can trigger me. I have to even be careful for the music that I listen to because of triggers. Forget any other activities. It’s either my mind or my body and sometimes both that make things impossible. I have missed out on more events at school for my children than I can count. The heavy, burdensome guilt of not being the mom I think I should be or the wife I should be eats me apart daily. When I try my hardest it’s never good enough to outweigh the guilt. My dog has become one of my best friends. We talk a lot. This is my life.

About a week ago I decided enough was enough. I spent countless hours just being with Jesus and something in me felt alive again. I wasn’t going to change but I was going to pull from the depths of soul who I really am. Last Wednesday I marched right on down to the tattoo shop and got something beautiful on me that I had been wanting to get for years but was too scared to do. It was a liberating and powerful moment for me. Last night at the very last minute, I booked a flight to head to Utah to be with my parents. I had about 30 minutes to pack and flew, with my dog, for the very first time. Something I never thought I could do. Guess what? I did it. All by myself. This last minute trip was an emergency decision based on my overall health, mind and body. This was the first time I have been away on a trip, for me, from my husband and children in about 6 years. Maybe more. I am giving myself some much needed R&R and of course it didn’t help that there has been some tension between my husband and I and I just needed a mommy/wife break.  I need to collect myself, recharge, and cry in my mamas arms. A change of scenery was needed and I had to get a break from the depressing life that has held me captive for so many years. I don’t know how long I will be away for yet. I know this person, Rachel, that has been crying out for so long to be out of it’s cage was starting to flap her wings. That latch that had been holding the door on that cage closed for so many years had unlocked. Finally feeling some freedom and breaking out of that comfort zone feels amazing. I am little unsure on how to let this wild child, that I knew was in there, out without ruffling to many of the feathers on the few people that are in my life. I think I’m just going to ease into it and let God take control of this creature, that is me. He created me perfect in His eyes and knew who I was going to be before I was conceived. I am leaving it up to Him to remove the guilt and to teach me how to forgive myself. I talk to my kids all the time about how God dosen’t want us comfortable or in a box. He wants us to live freely in Him and do what He created us to do. It is time for me to listen to my own advice. Change is good and sometimes needed. Jesus knew all this was going to go down. He just asks me to trust Him and that’s what I’m going to do.

Welcome to a new world Rachel. A new big and exciting world. An even better example for my babies and learning how to love that husband of mine, who has stuck with me for 16 years this Friday,  unlike any other time yet.

So take care of yourself. It’s okay. You were placed here to love and cannot do that if you don’t first recognize and love this creation, that is you, as God has intended.

Psalm 139:13, Isaiah 43:1, Galations 5:1 and 2 Corinthians 3:17

 

Seeing, Hearing, Spending and Sleeping


I want to write about the ugly things, some truthful things, things that people with bipolar disorder/schizophrenia don’t want to talk about and things ordinary people are uncomfortable hearing.

This disease is a monster, gobbling you up, chewing you up, then spitting you out to go about life for the rest of the day. When it hits sometimes there is no warning. Other times there are plenty of signs before an “episode” happens. Either way, when it’s all over hours or days later, you are left to pick up the pieces that is your life. Items are returned, a lot of apologies are made, sleep is needed, guilt sets in and reality is back.

I have often found myself looking in the mirror in the aftermath and thinking “what just happened”. Often embarrassed, I try to explain to my loved ones the best way I can and what I remember. The problem is it’s often hard to put into words what you just went through. How DO you explain what you were thinking, feeling, hearing, seeing? Sometimes you can’t and just need a hug and to be told it’s all okay.

The word “crazy” is not allowed in my home. When people say “she’s crazy”, “he’s crazy”, “ugh, it’s been a crazy day”, they have NO idea of the gravity of those words. When I say “I feel like I’m going crazy” or more often said “I feel like I’m losing my shit”, I mean it and that means all hands on deck. Give me a pill to help me calm down, take me somewhere cool and dark, and give me my worship music to listen to.    The kids know to leave me alone and my awesomely supportive husband is at my side holding me while simultaneously holding down the fort. Yes, I have been blessed with an incredible support team and yes, I am aware most people don’t. I honestly don’t think I would be alive if these people would have given up on me. Obviously God wants me alive for a reason and so, I will live.

I have been brutally honest with my kids about what I deal with. They have seen and heard the very raw, uncensored me. They know Jesus is my foundation and I am plagued at the same time. They understand to the best of their abilities that this is life. Shit happens. There are times that I try to hide particular things though. Simply because I think it would frighten them.

After a good few months the easy life was over. If you recall, the doctors had found a wonderful cocktail of drugs and I was feeling better than I have in my entire life. I knew it wouldn’t last forever. All good things must come to an end right? And so as I started to drift away and the old demons were slowly making a comeback, I found myself often in tears. I didn’t want to go back. I loved my new, short lived life and didn’t want it to end. After several weeks of misery, I saw my doctor. Prepared with a long list of symptoms, changes were made and I left with a new game plan. Getting off of this and adding that.  I was supposed to see him again in a month and after 3 weeks, I caved and was back in his office. Things were not getting better. I wasn’t sleeping which was sending me into mania lasting days on end or severe depression also lasting days. Paranoia was slipping back in and I started seeing things again. All of my fears, insects, snakes, monsters, all only I could see but oh so real to me. I was showering one night and as I turned facing my steam covered glass shower door, I saw a very real scorpion crawling on it. I tried to stay calm, as there was a very good chance I was the only one that could see it, and exited the shower. I told my husband and he did his “monster check” and of course, found no scorpion. I used to feel stupid asking for help but realized the only way I could truly be helped was to be honest in my symptoms. After this last visit with my doctor which was last Thursday, I left again with hopefully a better plan of attack. Things have been okay and I know these kind of changes take time. There is no insta-cure. I have overall been sleeping better, but am still dealing with issues. My anger level is through the roof and so I try to just stay away from everybody. When I have to be, I stuff it all in and scream when I am alone once again. Guilt and worthlessness are trying to befriend me. And seeking God is ever so challenging. I know what His word says. I know I am worth a lot to Him and He took my guilt to the cross. I know I’m really not crazy and believe very few people actually are. We all have are plagues in one form or another, just some of us require medication……….a lot of medication. I guess sometimes it’s easier to be in misery then to hear truth. Even truth, when heard, can be a tough pill to swallow, no pun  intended. It’s hard to grasp these things and still have hope. No one can grasp it. It isn’t humanly possible. Even still when I do come to Him I can try to understand to the best of my capabilities what He is trying to tell me.

Today started out realitvly good given my night. I didn’t sleep well and had the kids home from school today. The teachers are on strike. So they will be here tomorrow also. My two older ones headed to church this morning for a “fun day”. I had my youngest, my son, who is 10 stay home with me. He is my watchdog and often sees my symptoms before anyone else does. I lucked out today that he stayed home with me. I have a plant, a hyacinth, in a pot in my kitchen. It was doing very well and bloomed beautiful fragrant flowers. After a couple of weeks it started to die off. I looked up what to do and had it written down on my to-do list every day. I never got around to it and every day it looked sadder and sadder. This afternoon I went to the kitchen to make lunch. As I went to the sink next to the plant, I looked at it and something inside of switched on. It looked like death, withering and hanging lifeless. I quickly turned from it. I felt like I was going to vomit. I tried to pull myself together and resumed making my lunch. At the center island in my kitchen mere feet away from it, I started to hear it. It was crying and calling out for help! Recognizing that it wasn’t probably really speaking to me, I still left, trying to distance myself from it. In my mind I could still hear it, begging to be saved from a slow death. That image, those sounds, I couldn’t get away from it. I went outside and tried to calm down, but I coudn’t and knew what was coming. I tried to call my husband for help before I completely flipped out and of course he didn’t answer his phone. My mama was my next call. Traveling home from Colorado, she jumped into action the best way she could from hundreds of miles away. She got my son on the phone and together they made a plan to rescue me from my own tormenting thoughts. My son removed the plant from my kitchen, placed it out of site, and gave me the medication to help me calm down. My son, so young and yet so in tune with his mother. So tender hearted and compassionate. He rubbed my back and calmly assured me that it will all be okay. Everybody’s home now and I’m feeling better. Not 100%, but better.

I know people don’t like to talk about things like this and for others it is just down right uncomfortable to hear. Maybe others don’t know what to do, how to react. I mean it’s got to be pretty hard for the average Joe to understand how a person can hear a plant screaming for help and see things that aren’t really there. Go on spending sprees and then have to go down the walk of shame the next day. To feel so depressed that things like brushing your teeth or showering are hard to think about, let alone do. I often wonder what other people do think of me, not that I care, I’m so over that, just curious. Should I keep my distance and not allow my children over to her house? I’m pretty sure that’s ran through some of the kids parents heads as it has been a steady decline of other children coming to visit. I also know my children feel worried that if they have someone over mom might have an episode. Living with this disease is hard, not for the faint of heart, and warriors only succeed. But we are not “bad” people. If anything I know personally, we try to be extra conscious of what we say and do around other people. Heaven forbid our secret gets leaked.

God’s grace and mercy is why I’m still here. Period.

The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly


Yesterday morning when I woke up I was filled with an excitement throughout my body. Think Disneyland excited. An excitement that caused butterflys in my stomach. I sat outside with my coffee and knew that this excitement that I was feeling was because it was Good Friday. As like many Christians, Good Friday marks the start of a very exciting and emotional weekend. Good Friday marks the day my Jesus was crucified. Without Good Friday there would be No Resurrection Sunday (Easter). Yesterday morning I opened my Facebook page and saw that World Bipolar Day had fallen on Good Friday this year. Something struck me as I read this. Something stirred in me and almost made me uncomfortable. I didn’t quite know what to do with these feelings and had no idea why I felt the way I did. As my day went on I was trying to connect with God at every moment I could. It was the early afternoon and during one of these moments that the Lord spoke to my heart and unraveled my thoughts and feelings.

There was some significance with Good Friday and world bipolar day falling on the same day for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about bipolar awareness and busting the stigma, but as I was seeing bipolar posts flooding my Facebook page there was a personal decision that I needed to make. Yesterday I choose to not blog, post, or share anything bipolar related. I choose Jesus. I could have very easily recognized both Good Friday and world bipolar day, but my heart told me “no”. When Christ died on Good Friday, when He endured all the things He did that day, He did it for me…..for you. With every lashing, every blow, every thorn that dug into His precious head, He took on a sin, a sickness, a disease. All of my grief, sorrow, sadness, depression, mania, ocd, anger, pain was in every strike He took. All of the games my mind plays on me, my low self esteem, my regrets that eat at me, ALL of it He took upon Himself. When He died, it was not just my sins that died too, but ALL of my suffering both mental and physical. Without the selfless act of dying for me I would have no hope, no future, no healing. Because I live in a fallen world I will still battle (Ephisians 6:12) until I see my King in Glory. But that is just it, it’s a battle not a way of life. When you think of wars or battles, you think of someone winning, right? This is why I battle bipolar, lupus, fibromyalgia, because at the end of the day I win. With Christ in me, I win every time. And so for me setting aside a day to “recognize” bipolar was like giving it credit it absolutely does NOT deserve. bipolar you are so big and bad that you get your own day! No fricken way! And then for it to fall on the same day as Good Friday! My decision was clear. By not recognizing world bipolar day yesterday, I was saying this disease, I choose not to carry. He already carried it for me today, Good Friday. bipolar is not an extension of me, like my  hands and feet, those are taken. My feet run the race that is set before me (Hebrews 12:1) and my hands were made for this battle (2 Samuel 22:35 NIV). bipolar is not my identity. It is more like a very temporary mask that I wear, an ugly mask, a mask I did not ask for. But one that is worn and then torn down, ripped to shreds, stomped and spit on when I win the battle for the day. This very disease that wanted to steal the limelight for yesterday was not even given a second look. The bipolar that TRIES to still my life at times DIED on Good Friday. This evil, sickening spirit that is bipolar just needs a constant reminder that it has, in fact been defeated some 2,000 years ago. I choose Jesus. He was going to get all of the attention, the limelight, and the glory yesterday for what He did for me. And on Sunday when I celebrate with my family His resurrection I will rejoice in the fact that one day soon I will be with Him pain free forever.

John 11:25 NIV , 1 Peter 1:3 NIV, Romans 10:9 NIV

 

 

 

 

My Heart Is Full


As I sit outside in the backyard of my grandparents house in California, I am overcome with a sense of peace, love, and thankfulness to my God. My grandparents are both in their eighties. I have spent my entire life with a deep affection for them that has only has only grown as I have gotten older. The last time I saw them was in May of 2017. This was the day before we started out on our new adventure in Arizona. My heart has ached to be with them as they have been sick a lot over the past year. My worst nightmare was receiving a call that they had passed and knowing the last time I spent with them was almost a year ago. I am grateful for the two years we spent back home here in California between our life in Utah to the new life in Arizona. My children were older and were able to spend more quality time them that I knew they would remember. Even with the bipolar and the fairly new diagnosis of fibromyalgia and lupus, I spent as much time with them that my body would allow. My children were able to soak in the stories and create some wonderful memories like learning to make homemade tortillas with my Nana. Although the two years back home were short I was grateful for the extra time spent with them, I have missed them dearly. About a month ago I spoke to my Papa on the phone. Something I tried to do several times a week. When I hung up the phone something changed in me. Talking on the phone was not enough. The desire to be with had reached a head. My husband came home that day to find me very emotional, breaking out in tears throughout the evening. As I expressed to my husband how much I missed them, his wheels began to turn. As I spoke to him that night about how much I missed hearing them laugh, hugging and kissing them, and the smell of their home, he told me that he would take us back home to see them. I was overcome with joy. And so the plans were in action. My mama, who is one of my best friends, was planning on going back to California from Utah. Shortly after we had picked the dates for our trip, my mama planned her visit around ours. What a blessing! Just the thought of being around some of the people that mean the world to me was enough to make me lose sleep out of excitement for almost a month as I anticipated the time that was to be spent around my grandparents, mama, and my Tio whom lives with them. In this last month I have had days that just dragged on and some days that flew by. I could hardly wait! Monday night my husband, children,  and I arrived in California. Since their home is not big enough for my family to stay overnight, my husband and children are staying with my husbands aunt whom was gracious enough to open her home. Wanting to spend every waking moment with my nana, papa, and mama my Tio gave up his bedroom for an air mattress in the living room so that I could be here with them as much as possible. My mama arrived last night and is sharing a bed with me ( love me some mama cuddles). My world has come full circle and once again feels complete. We have laughed and cried tears of joy over the last two days and I look forward to every day that the next 2 weeks holds. Although I realize the next 2 weeks will fly by, I will soak in every hug, kiss and meals shared around the table with my family. I refuse to allow any of my illnesses to rob me of time spent here.  Creating new lifetime memories will be had.

Philippians 1:3  NLT

 

Throwback Thursday


I am amazed at the “He did it again” moments daily. It is only 7:45 in the morning and God has already “done it”! I was scrolling through Facebook and came upon one of those “your memory from this day” posts. I usually keep on scrolling and never reshare these. This time I noticed it was a a share from my blog that I had posted on this day in 2011. I have only shared my blog posts on Facebook a couple of times. As I read this post from my blog I am in complete amazement. Even at that time in my life I KNEW God had a plan. A bigger picture to be seen later on in my life. This post is a heavy reminder on how faithful God is and has been to me. He gave me promises at that time and I am now seeing some of things come to pass. Full circles, a complete 360 overhaul of my life. I want to share this post with you from 2011. God is good ALL the time. His mercy endures forever!

Written January 25th, 2011

1 1/2 ago I got really sick.  Something happened. I still don’t know what brought it on, but it changed my life forever.

I blacked out at home and stopped breathing for several seconds. My poor husband in total panic, stood over my fragile body and prayed life over me. After that everything changed. These so called “episodes” started happening daily. Sometimes there would be a trigger of some sort, other times for no reason at all.

Along with these episodes came uncontrollable shaking, immobilization, shear panic, insomnia, constant dizziness and disorientation, to name a few. Did I mention I have 3 children under the age of 7.

What was wrong with me? The doctors ran every test they could and found nothing. I was sent to a specialist aka the Crazy Head Doctor. After a year with him…..nothing. No diagnosis at least not anything that made sense.

My God, My Provider, My Strength where have you gone,  I felt.

I can’t live like this. I can barley get out of bed. But every morning I fight ,because I AM Victorious through Christ Jesus. I have a theory about my life and am convinced it to be true.

My God created me. He is a purposeful God with a plan and a future for my life. He is in complete control of my life and is working amidst my struggles. He has blessed me throughout all my trials with my salvation,a home, my children, and a wonderful husband. He is my peace when I am restless. My joy when I am in sorrow. My strength when I am so weak. He has sustained my life when doctors told me I didn’t have much time to live. And daily He is performing life changing miracles for Me…just for Me…unworthy, sinful me. Why? Because even though I have a tendency to lean on my own understanding, He forgives me for that and quietly reassures me that as long as I continue to seek Him first that His plan is bigger then what I can see in front of me.

I still don’t know fully the gravity of this situation, but I know that My God is in control. “Trust Me” He says. “You have already won the battle for I go before you and have fought so you may be victorious”. I stand on this promise.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. Everything felt like it was crashing down. My health, financial burdens, guilt. I didn’t feel like living anymore.

“Oh you of little faith” a quit whisper in my soul. “Trust me” He says.

Oh Lord!, I cried out. Save me from myself. I am my worst enemy at times.

Let me tell you that Satan looks for any open door he can find to come in and steal your life from you.  But My God promises Life and not death! Stand on this my friends. Stand on His promises. He is faithful beyond our comprehension.

As I continue my struggle, today is a new day, and even though I feel sick today I will praise Him through this storm. What will he do today? Anticipate His blessings, friends. He longs to shower them upon you. He loves you more then you love yourself. And thank God for that!

-Rachel

John 5:24

2 Corinthians 12:9

Sweetlife18


I am flooded in my mind and in my heart with words, sentences, and phrases. My God has once again “done it”.

It has been almost 2 months since my life was changed…..again. I have not felt led to share on this topic until now. When I saw my pdoc around the 4th of December I couldn’t even drive. Things had gotten so bad with the bipolar schizoaffective that I was being visited by some of the old demons. The lupus and fibromyalgia also thought this was a good time to hit me full force. I had ticks back and nothing was “right”. If I felt as though the seam of my shirt was crooked it put me in tears. A constant moving and tugging was how I was living. I was like a roller coaster, anger that would cause me to do terrible things, sadness where crying never seemed enough. My daughters and husband would help bathe me at night, even applying lotion to my hurting body. My daughters would lovingly brush my hair. I would ask Matt why this was  happening to me. Why me! My young life had already been riddled by what I thought of as every thing that could possibly go wrong. As I have told you so many times in previous posts that My God was still there, at this time I found myself feeling more confused than ever. More lost than ever. This time around I could not see that light at the end of the tunnel. Although I believed that My God was indeed with me, I just didn’t see how He was going to pull this one off. I have been waiting, hoping for that very moment where God would heal me of EVERYTHING! Jehovah Rapha, The God That Heals. I would read His living Word sprinkled with promises of healing and almost felt taunted. The enemy of my faith whispering his lies, telling me My God’s healing was for other people……not for me. Up until the 4th of December I felt useless, broken down and turned upside down, but not defeated. I still hung on to that little bit of hope. The very promises that the Lord had spoken to me were chiseled onto my heart.

That day of my doctor visit I left with a new prescription along with more changes to my current meds. That night as I prayed over my new medication (something I always do with new ones) I had no idea what was up God’s sleeve. Within 2 weeks of starting the new med., the ticks had left me. I felt some kind of normalcy that I hadn’t experienced in almost 10 years and really longer then that if I reflect on my childhood up to my early twenties.

January 4th I saw my pdoc again. By this time my doctor pretty much had me pinned. His goal being as few medications but just enough of the right ones. I left this time with another new med to address the insomnia that I had been battling with since I got married in 2002. As I held this new med. in my hand with the rest of my pill cocktail, I prayed as usual over it. The next morning Matt made a comment that I had slept peacefully, no yelling, kicking, punching, or scratching that night.

It is now the 24th of January and to say my life has changed is a severe understatement. Miracles have occurred. Peace now fills my heart. Joy has been restored. Every day after January 4th I had waiting for the fluke of “the good feeling” to go away. A phase, a passing fancy so to speak. And everyday I am in awe of this now permanent place that the Lord has brought me to. A place I have never been to, a place just for me. A custom made, unique life that has changed so much over the years. Trials, pain, sorrow, depression, the highs and lows are now no longer holding my hand but crawl behind me. Trying to keep up with a Rachel that it thought it knew, but now that Rachel is running. Running freely in her life and in her walk with the Almighty God. I serve a God of promises kept. I have not only excepted but embraced this new miracle that is my life. I am doing things I never thought I would do or be able to do. I am realistic that being human I may still have episodes here and there and challenges with my mind and body. However these things are NOT the ruler of my  heart. They no longer dictate what I can or can’t do. I still have to take care of myself and take precautions as my medication affects me.

Today I attended my first ever ladies bible study. I not only made it there but I made it through! I was blessed beyond words just to be there. Blessed to fellowship with the 7 other gals at my table. As we discussed a topic of ” The Great I  Am” showing up in your life I was almost at a loss for words. Awe struck how God “did it again”! Wow! What a topic for discussion. As I tried to express to my group how much and how many times God has showed up for me, I realized I could not give enough examples nor could I stress enough how this never changing God has changed me so much. What He has brought me to. How he has kept me alive when I thought I was going to die.

Today God showed up and brought me Joy both tangibly and spiritually.