My life has just taken an unexpected turn! We just found out recently…very recently, that we are moving to Arizona! My husband got a great job. We will be leaving this morning to find a house there, we currently live in California. The house is all packed up and ready to go and the moving truck will be here next Monday! Guys, I’m freaking out! I’m so excited! This is proof that God does hear our cries and He answers. Not always in our timing or in our ways, but He answers. Arizona, in the past, was not my first choice as we discussed where we would live if we could move. But I have grown to love the idea of the place and have heard almost nothing but good things about it.
I have been so proud of myself over the last few days as I have dealt with all of this. Yes, I have had some panic attacks and I have to stop helping more then I like due to pain. Overall it’s been a success! I have complete peace about it and know, that I know, that I know that THIS is God’s plan…Amen!
I was reminded today to be thankful for Everything. As little or big as they are. Thankfulness must be pure in nature. Especially as you lift up your voice to the Lord God Almighty. My family has been through a trying few months. Everyday I thank God for giving me another day, but rarely do I take the time to thank Him for the breeze, or the birds, or the home I live in. Seeing everything with a heart of gratitude when you have no money or wonder how your going to pay the bills is a game changer. So much beauty and you realize everything will be okay. Look at how He cares for the birds. Feeding them and giving them shelter, He loves us SO much more.
I almost went deaf in my right ear last week. I had an inner and and outer infection that had eaten a hole right through my eardrum. After 2 weeks of treatment and becoming literally sick from the infection, today I can hear. The bipolar has reared it’s ugly head a hand full of times this past month. Really been battling with anger, mania, and insomnia. The fibromyalgia and lupus have been fair. I started a new pain med, which is actually taking the edge off.
I was reminded today to also live in the moment with God. Jesus, I’m thankful for the music as I listen to your worship right now. I’m thankful for the sound of my husbands cpap mask that I can hear right now. I’m thankful for the storm that’s coming in and the breeze that’s filling my bedroom right now.
He is good, He is holy, He is worthy.
Life hasn’t been easy as of late. I’ve been in a lot of pain. And struggling with the bipolar as well. I’ve had quite a few down days and days where my mind just doesn’t feel like my own. I feel possessed by the illness on days like that. I do a lot of praying. LoL! Now this is new. I’ve started to get claustrophobic in the shower EVERY time I get in. The upside is, this makes for quick showers. It used to be just elevators.Not anymore. Even the car can get me, I have to have my music playing.
Right now I’m on 30 mg of morphine and I’m in so much pain I can’t sleep. It has been on and off today…the pain. Sharp shooting, stabbing, and even a dull ache. Mostly in my legs and feet. Restlessness of my arms and legs when I do lay down.
I still refuse to let it all get me down…..completely. Yeah, it’s hard. Really hard. But the Lord didn’t say it was going to be easy. This is WAR! War on my body. War on my mind. But that’s okay. I’m up for a fight.
My little Lily dog is doing well. She is so smart! And sassy! I just love her to pieces.
I have been searching for a therapy dog for some time now. Even had to rehome a couple that didn’t work out. Well 2 weeks ago, Thursday, I picked up a Chorkie. Which is a Chihuahua/Yorkie mix. I have been searching for a while now for the perfect companion, for the right price. I did my research this time and found that Yorkies were on the list for the Best Dogs for Anxiety and Depression. I used to have a yorkie and adored him. So, I named her Lily. She is about 11 weeks old. And has stolen my heart. I think I finally found the right companion. She is full of personality and loves everyone!
For those of you who don’t know you can register your dog online as a service or therapy dog ( I say dog as an example, it can be a cat too.) Depending on which site and what package you choose, you can get your certificate, id cards, and much more. This means your dog can go where you go, fly for free, and stay in any home rental at no additional fee. Here are a few:
http://usdogregistry.org/ and https://www.nsarco.com/nsar-registration-kit.html and lastly http://www.serviceanimalregistryofcalifornia.com/ . I plan on buying one of the lower packages and than buying her vest from Amazon when she gets big enough.
Check them out!
The holidays were tough. I had incredible anxiety. So much so that it was waking me up at night. I went through a Fibro. flare up that lasted a good 2 weeks. I was unable to attend Christmas Eve dinner with my husband’s side of the family due to anxiety and pain. Christmas day was a little easier. We stayed home and had my aunt and grandparents over. Even that put be back to bed as soon as everyone left.
This has been tough on me. I want to seize the day. So every morning I get up early and spend some time with my Lord. I than plan my day and NOT according on how I feel. I try to seize the day! Most days failing terribly, but trying none the less. I get frustrated sometimes by how much time I waste puttering around the house or in bed. But some days the pain is so great I can’t do much else.
I guess I have had Fibromyalgia this whole time. The doctor just didn’t tell me. I was wondering why they would tell me that the Lupus was not reading real high in blood tests, but I would be in crippling pain. It wasn’t until this last visit that the doctor was gone and I saw the PA. She wrote on my checkout/lab slip Fibromyalgia and Myofascial pain syndrome. I saw that and was taken aback but didn’t say anything. I got home and called them, asking what my diagnosis was. After they rattled off all 3, I questioned it, Is it possible to have all 3 ( Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain)? They said it was. And so here I am.
My hope is in Christ and I will continue to seize the day.
So I’ve got bipolar disorder…so what! This new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia…I’m over it! Schizophrenia…hit the road! Lupus…go to Hell! Panic and anxiety.. find a new home! I’m tired of living plastered in labels. You know what? I’m perfect. Perfect in my creators eyes. Yeah I spent all day Monday crying, Tuesday depressed. But that’s okay. I’m me. I’m not pretending to be someone else. I may not be that organized or have the best memory. I may get tired easy and have to miss a lot of things. I can’t think straight, I may be in pain most days and can ramble on for hours. But that’s okay, that’s me. I am done people pleasing. But most importantly I am done stressing about trying to be perfect or hiding behind a shell.
God knew where I would be today, in this very moment. He knows I’m strong through Him. And through His grace and mercy I WIll make it. There’s no crying in baseball, right?
Occasionally I am inspired to write by being ministered to by others. So this is the case with today.
How many times have I sought prayer for the bipolar? Countless times. So many that I had felt God had turned a deaf ear to me. I came to realize today that maybe I am in fact not flawed, but perfect. Perfect in the way that He made me. Looking back at my childhood, I was always bipolar. And so could it be this is the way I was created? Maybe, just maybe, I was created just so for a bigger purpose in this life with the bipolar. Maybe I should focus less on receiving healing and more on “God, what would you have me to do?” I know that there are a lot of hurting, hopeless bipolar people out there. People that need Jesus.
This is a fine line for me to walk. The church often teaches that if you are not healed you are living in sin or haven’t prayed hard enough. This is not the case. God is good. God DOES heal. I have seen Him do it in many areas of my life. I do believe, however, that we are to face many trials while on this earth. It’s just what we do with them that counts.
Psalm 139:13-16 (NKJV)
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.