Lily

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I have been searching for a therapy dog for some time now. Even had to rehome a couple that didn’t work out. Well 2 weeks ago, Thursday, I picked up a Chorkie. Which is a Chihuahua/Yorkie mix. I have been searching for a while now for the perfect companion, for the right price. I did my research this time and found that Yorkies were on the list for the Best Dogs for Anxiety and Depression. I used to have a yorkie and adored him. So, I named her Lily. She is about 11 weeks old. And has stolen my heart. I think I finally found the right companion. She is full of personality and loves everyone!

For those of you who don’t know you can register your dog online as a service or therapy dog ( I say dog as an example, it can be a cat too.) Depending on which site and what package you choose, you can get your certificate, id cards, and much more. This means your dog can go where you go, fly for free, and stay in any home rental at no additional fee. Here are a few:

http://usdogregistry.org/  and https://www.nsarco.com/nsar-registration-kit.html       and lastly http://www.serviceanimalregistryofcalifornia.com/ . I plan on buying one of the lower packages and than buying her vest from Amazon when she gets big enough.

Check them out!

Carpe Diem

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The holidays were tough. I had incredible anxiety. So much so that it was waking me up at night. I went through a Fibro. flare up that lasted a good 2 weeks. I was unable to attend Christmas Eve dinner with my husband’s side of the family due to anxiety and pain. Christmas day was a little easier. We stayed home and had my aunt and grandparents over. Even that put be back to bed as soon as everyone left.

This has been tough on me. I want to seize the day. So every morning I get up early and spend some time with my Lord. I than plan my day and NOT according on how I feel. I try to seize the day! Most days failing terribly, but trying none the less. I get frustrated sometimes by how much time I waste puttering around the house or in bed. But some days the pain is so great I can’t do much else.

I guess I have had Fibromyalgia this whole time. The doctor just didn’t tell me. I was wondering why they would tell me that the Lupus was not reading real high in blood tests, but I would be in crippling pain. It wasn’t until this last visit that the doctor was gone and I saw the PA. She wrote on my checkout/lab slip Fibromyalgia and Myofascial pain syndrome. I saw that and was taken aback but didn’t say anything. I got home and called them, asking what my diagnosis was. After they rattled off all 3, I questioned it, Is it possible to have all 3 ( Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Myofascial Pain)? They said it was. And so here I am.

My hope is in Christ and I will continue to seize the day.

Bipolar and Healing 2

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So I’ve got bipolar disorder…so what! This new diagnosis of Fibromyalgia…I’m over it! Schizophrenia…hit the road! Lupus…go to Hell! Panic and anxiety.. find a new home! I’m tired of living plastered in labels. You know what? I’m perfect. Perfect in my creators eyes. Yeah I spent all day Monday crying, Tuesday depressed. But that’s okay. I’m me. I’m not pretending to be someone else. I may not be that organized or have the best memory. I may get tired easy and have to miss a lot of things. I can’t think straight,  I may be in pain most days and can ramble on for hours. But that’s okay, that’s me. I am done people pleasing. But most importantly I am done stressing about trying to be perfect or hiding behind a shell.

God knew where I would be today, in this very moment. He knows I’m strong through Him. And through His grace and mercy I WIll make it. There’s no crying in baseball, right?

 

Bipolar and Healing

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Occasionally I am inspired to write by being ministered to  by others. So this is the case with today.

How many times have I sought prayer for the bipolar? Countless times. So many that I had felt God had turned a deaf ear to me. I came to realize today that maybe I am in fact not flawed, but perfect. Perfect in the way that He made me. Looking back at my childhood, I was always bipolar. And so could it be this is the way I was created? Maybe, just maybe, I was created just so for a bigger purpose in this life with the bipolar. Maybe I should focus less on receiving healing and more on “God, what would you have me to do?” I know that there are a lot of hurting, hopeless bipolar people out there. People that need Jesus.

This is a fine line for me to walk. The church often teaches that if you are not healed you are living in sin or haven’t prayed hard enough. This is not the case. God is good. God DOES heal. I have seen Him do it in many areas of my life. I do believe, however, that we are to face many trials while on this earth. It’s just what we do with them that counts.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NKJV)

13 For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed.
And in Your book they all were written,
The days fashioned for me,
When as yet there were none of them.

Thanksgiving

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I know we haven’t yet reached Thanksgiving, but I am so excited for Christmas! I just love my Jesus! I know Thanksgiving is important too. Taking time to give thanks is critical. Especially with kids. Showing them, as we go around the table to say what we are thankful for, how to express that.

I have been doing well. Started a couple new meds this month. Good and bad, but needed. And it’s finally getting a little bit chilly outside. THANK GOD! I thought it was never going to happen.

So, Happy Thanksgiving to you all. Don’t forget to thank the Lord, for He is good .

Happy Anniversary, Me!

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Sometimes I just don’t know what I’m doing. Am I moving forward or backwards. Am I breathing or is it just my imagination. I don’t know where I’m going and the road is thin. My head pounds and my feet beneath me hurt. I keep moving. Most times it’s a cycle. Feeling trapped in my own body. I get up for the day. I make it through the day and go to sleep. The pain I sometimes feel resonates through my body, always starting from my chest. A ball…..a big, black swirling ball, or so I imagine. It thrusts around  in my chest. I can feel the anxiety start to birth. The physical and emotional pain begins to swell. ” Is this real,” I ask myself. It always is. As a child I would pound my chest my fists to try to dull the anxiety and pain. This usually worked. Again, I didn’t know what or why I was doing it. I just wan’t it all to go away. Now I’m covered in labels. Sometimes not knowing can be freeing…knowledge isn’t always power. The pain I feel and then the pain I want to inflict to make the other pain go away has no schedule. It doesn’t care if I’m happy or sad, ready or not.

Other days I can be in a store or getting gas or you name it and the panic swoops in. First I begin to shake. Then the sweat begins to pour from every pore on my body…even my hair gets wet. Again, is this real? The road appears really thin now. My throat shuts off and my breathing becomes labored. My vision blurred and I have to go to the bathroom. Am I dying? Nope, just a panic attack.

And so as I try to make sense of it all and mulling through my days, I continue to fight the good fight.

It has been 1 year since I have caused self harm. I believe God has freed me from it. Not to say I don’t want to at times, but I just remind myself that my body is a living temple of God, filled with His spirit.

Fresh Hope

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Last night I was blessed in attending a mood disorder group at our church called Fresh Hope. I usually don’t go out after 5 or 6 due to meds and the drowsiness it causes. Last night I fight compelled to attend with my husband. This group is for those who are mentally ill and their loved ones. So we dropped the kids off at children’s church and went. It was amazing! I am going through my study guides this morning as I was pretty medicated last night and wow! The Lord really spoke to me. I made new friends and now have something to look forward to weekly. We need more of this in the church.

God is good! He has provided me with an outlet to learn and grow in Him through my mental illness.