I recently read an article by this woman who said she would rather have liver failure from all of the medication than to deal with life off medication. I can see the pain in her writing and ultimately making that choice. My time will come, at one point or another for me to decide as well.
Do I keep going or do I start experimenting with alternative, holistic methods? I am aware and have researched enough possibilities to say it’s worth a try. However, this would potentially put my family and myself on a different kind of roller coaster. Trying different things and to go off the beaten path is scary. Just the thought of the lengthy process it would be to wean me off of all my meds. makes me want to back down from the idea entirely. I have been on a pretty steady amount of medication for about 10 years. I don’t even know who this Rachel person is off meds. Who am I really and truly when I am off medication? I don’t even remember. I do know I would want to give this whole crazy idea of being off medication over dying way to early from a failing liver. Now the question is ……when? I know there will never be a good time to do this. I know things will be hell as I transition to a new life off drugs, but what if I fail? I will literally be starting a new medication routine all over again. Yet again, Is it worth the chance? I see no other option. Also this TMS thing I mentioned in a previous post is still on the playing table. We are just waiting on the super slow insurance company. I will let you know, if approved, how that all pans out. Now, don’t hold your breath to see how things will work out for me. I am not looking at doing this anytime soon. Except the TMS. If that bad boy gets approved I’m all in! As for ditching the drugs, I would rather not be the guinea pig! Surly someone has done this! I must find them. Inquiring minds want to know! So right now I will continue to be a good girl and take medication as prescribed and I will still make it to all those doctor appointments every month.
If I ever get anything out of this whole bipolar/schizo/lupus/fibromyalgia thing it would be that I think at this point I can say that I can relate to a lot of people. I understand and I know the pain they physically and mentally feel. I’m in this place in my life right now where I want to allow God to reach through me to touch so many people like me. To tell them their lives are worth something and they are loved.
Of course there is perfect timing for everything and as much as I want to get out there and implement all of these things, I am still dealing with my own can of worms. Even if I can’t go all out, He has made it clear to me, a little bit here and a little bit there. I am still struggling with the constant thought of me just being stuck in this body where Rachel resides somewhere. I say yes to Him and to have His way in my life. My life as it is right now. Lord, I want you to teach me how to set aside how I feel and how I think to bring glory to your kingdom to the best of my capabilities. To love on the broken when the opportunity arises. I want Him to use me as a vessel at anytime He sees fit. To minister to the weary and heavy laden. I do believe one day I will be able to do more of things that God has planned for me in His timing. My hope is to share His powerful, redeeming love to anybody who needs it and will listen. Especially those with mental disorders and/or chronic pain. I can and will thank the Lord every morning for another day to be alive. I will continue to ask Him to give my doctors wisdom and understanding to my specific needs and for the Holy Spirit to speak to me when it’s time to cut the drug cord. I will put my trust in Him. I will keep my head held high. He has whispered to me in His reassuring voice to not be so hard on myself for feeling guilty for not doing enough. I am right where He wants me to be. He has spoken to my heart and ministered to my soul that sometimes simply being alive is enough s and sometimes that’s all He asks of us.
Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:11 NIV