Chin Up!


So according to my husband, this time of year through after New Years is very hard for me. My wonderful meds. keep me from remembering this kinda thing.

It’s been one hell of a month! The constant change in meds. and the ups and downs of it have been terrible. I also found a lump in my breast. The joys of being a woman! So I had to get that taken care of.

I have had a pretty solid week. We were just talking about it last night.  The last time I saw my doctor, 4 weeks ago, he wanted to stop a med. that was not helping me. He added one to replace it. He also told me that he wants me to stop the Cymbalta next time he saw me. Today I went to see my doctor. I had my mind made up that  I did not want to come off of it until after Thanksgiving. I also had a few concerns that popped up this month. When I tried to explain to him that all day, but especially at night after I take my night meds., I have trouble controlling my mouth. It twitches and even goes completely numb when I try to talk. It is near impossible to speak with my mouth quivering and going numb. Needless to say he was alarmed. Guess why? Well it can act like and even cause Parkinsons Disease. What you say! And if not caught soon enough it will become permanent. Ummm….not cool right?! He said that this was being caused by too much dopamine, if I remember correctly. He said it imperative that I get off the Cymbalta. Yeah..I think I’ll go ahead and do this sooner then later. Remember that solid week I was just telling you about? It didn’t last. I not only had a bipolar episode this afternoon, but had a complete panic attack this evening. This was so bad that in the 15 years of marriage my husband said he has never seen anything like it. And trust me, that man has seen it all.

So what am I thankful for this year? I am so thankful that I have an amazing doctor. I am thankful for my super amazing husband and my Spirit filled children who walk with the Lord daily. And lastly I am ever so thankful for my Christ. For without Him I would not be alive today. He has gifted me with my Salvation and an eternity of loving Him.

Stay thankful my friends.


The Bipolar Life


I just had one heck of a week and a half!

Let me back track a bit. So about a month ago my pdoc weaned me off of Abilify because I wasn’t doing great. Once I was completely off all hell broke lose. I was not well. So I called in to the Dr., this was Wednesday the 20th, she wanted to make several new changes at once. This approach  typically doesn’t go over well with me, but I trusted her and wanted to get better.

The biggest change was getting me off of Seroquel in 4 DAYS! I was at 500 mg. She dropped me 100 mg every night. Well not only does the Seroquel help with sleep, but it keeps me from being angry……I mean REALLY angry! I guess the idea was to stop the Seroquel and then start Rexulti the next day. In addition to the Seroquel change she upped one med. quite a bit and took away Trileptal. So yeah… a lot going on. Within a few hours of the lower dose of Seroquel Wednesday night I was feeling a bit angry. Thursday worse. Friday was even worse. By Saturday Everybody was walking on eggshells around me and I was not feeling good. Sunday came and I was off the Seroquel. The Rexulti was to be taken around 5 p.m. By about noon I started experiencing severe withdraws. I was so freaking sick, I thought I was dying. Seriously…..I thought I was dying, it was that bad! 5 p.m. came and I was desperate for relief. I was hoping this new med. would cure me. It didn’t. I had an adverse reaction! Ugh! I was throwing up so violently that I was throwing up blood! I was begging my husband to take me to a psych ward. And I hate psych wards. But the closest one was a 45 min. drive from us. We decided to take it hour by hour. If I could get to sleep and make it to the next day, we could see my pdoc.

I’ll jump to Monday morning. I ended up surviving, obviously. Although, I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. Every time I would lay down I would hallucinate. This now marked 2 days no sleep. We were at the pdoc’s office when they opened and of course my Dr. wasn’t in. However, we were able to see the nurse who said he would contact my pdoc’s cell.

Today was my first day I finally felt somewhat normal. My body has almost fully recovered and my mind feels pretty good. Pdoc ended up putting me back on Seroquel.

God, once again, has sustained me. He has upheld me with His right hand and covered me in the shadow of His wings. I knew He was with me throughout this entire challenging time. God is good.

Dreaming Words of Truth


So my pdoc decided to get me off of Abilify. I was on 30 mg. I have been tapering down 5 mg a week. I officially got off completely this Sunday. It has been a hairy few weeks. Lots of episodes…almost every night in fact. I finally called the nurse today at my doctors. He will get back to me tomorrow. I don’t want to get back on it, as I am on so much medication. But this has to stop. I’m still not sleeping even though my Seroquel was upped 100 mg. I know things will get better. They always do.

In the mean time, God is moving in my life mysteriously. He is coming to me in my dreams again. Giving me His living word. I awake (when I do get a few hours) and run to my desk to write down what He has told me. It is a truly an Awesome experience.

I pray that you feel His presence in your life too.

Psalm 34:17


Just got over 1 week of mania. About a week or so ago it all started. I had gone 4 days on 12 hours of sleep. yuck. Then I crashed……or so I thought. Got 1 night of sleep then back to mania. Eventually it all ended. I was depressed now. But God is faithful and just like every other time, He brought me through it. I am so in love with Him.

I saw my new psychiatrist for the first time since being here in Arizona. I liked her a lot. She was very educated and a good listener. I got a genetic test done, which I think is incredible and wonder why none of my other doctors ever had me do it. She is also doing away with several of my meds. I couldn’t be happier! Of course this will take time, as you can only wean off of 1 at a time. First up Abilify. Down 5 mg a week till I’m off. Friends I am on about 9 meds right now. Many of them, as the doctor pointed out, are duplicates for the same thing. I also lost 10 pounds! WooHoo!

I am adjusting to being home alone. Sleeping a lot. Guess I need it. Eventually I want to get on a good schedule where I am being proactive most of the day.

Oh Lord, when I was in the depths of darkness, you rescued me.

Empty Days, God Filled Nights


My days are empty now. My kids went back to school yesterday. I hate to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with the demons that all too often like to visit. This is how I get into trouble. The house is too quiet. I miss those kids bad. I’m trying to look at this as “me” time, but it’s hard.

God is really dealing with me with some stuff right now. I always wake up at midnight for prayer time, but the last 2 nights, when I awoke, I had this hunger for God’s living word like never before. A thirst needing to be quenched. I visited Valley Bible Fellowship’s website to hear their head pastor, Pastor Ron Vietti, speak. The address is He did a 2 week series about reframing life. I highly recommend you watch this. So good. Anyways, I don’t know why the Lord is firing me up, but He is.

I try to only write when I feel the Lord is leading me, so hopefully someone will watch the sermons and be forever changed as I have been.



I feel strong today. My mind feels strong, my body feels strong, but most importantly, my soul feels strong. I have been doing well, friends. The fibromyalgia is giving me more trouble than anything. It’s been super hot here and I don’t think my body likes it. I also had to get off my original fibro/lupus med because my new insurance was being not nice and left me with over $400 to pay for it. So I started something else which is not nearly as effective….bummer.

I’m starting to really miss church again. I watch sermons online and have my own time with the Lord most Sundays while the rest of the clan is at church. I just miss being there. You know “there.” Where He meets you, I know He will meet you wherever you are, but there is something heavy, worshipers united, Holy Spirit falling, being “there” in the midst of it all. I just can’t sit through it. I try and every time I have to leave. This doesn’t just happen with church. I can’t go to movies or even watch t.v. Sometimes I can read a book, but it has to captivate me from the beginning, no slow starters. And even then I can only read a few pages at a time. And so as it goes, when I do go to church I have to take my own car so I can come home early….bummer. I think I will try tomorrow. I can always make it through praise and worship and if I have to leave after that oh well.

Oh, how I love my Jesus. I love how He works from the inside out. I am so in love with Him and how He meets my every need. I adore Him and how His love has ravished my heart. How He is transforming and renewing my mind.



So here I am in Arizona and loving life. God has done some amazing things throughout this process. We have found some great churches….hoping to pin down a home church soon.

My anxiety level is at an all time low and overall I feel happier. I guess we are exactly where God wants us to be. I still have my struggles though. Just as I pushed my comfort zone last week I ended up with a panic attack. Monday morning I woke up severely depressed. Not sure what caused or triggered it or if there even was one. I just couldn’t make myself do anything, not even eat. This lasted for 2 days…..yuck! This morning I woke up feeling more like myself.

And yes, it’s hot here. But there is so much to do that is indoors, plus aquatic centers everywhere.

I am excited to see why the Lord choose Arizona and what He has in store for myself and my family.